The truest joy of motherhood so far (besides the love and snuggles) is rediscovering the world through your child’s eyes. It’s magical to watch him discover new objects, foods, places, and people. Baby boy is WALKING and almost running everywhere. The timing of his walking coincided with a very big decision that left me filled with fear, excitement, wonder, hope, sadness, a lot of soul searching, and endless reflections. As I stood still paralyzed in emotion for what I believe was a few days fearful to take my next step, baby boy began taking his first steps…heck if he can do it, I can too…so together we are taking baby steps.
The first step is the hardest. He stood and watched others walk. He walked with the help of walker toys. When the moment came to take his first steps his body betrayed him. His legs weren’t ready and his feet awkwardly turned in and he fell and cried. Those memories. The notion that your body has betrayed you. That your body ended three pregnancies. That your body won’t produce children the natural way.
But just like his mama he kept trying and trying again. Sometimes he laughed. Sometimes he cried. But he kept trying. I will stand up again. I will try again.
Pitter patter. They were the sweetest three steps I’ve ever seen. Filled with hope. The smile of glee across his face when he realized he was actually walking. His sweet eyes looking around with excitement deciding where he would walk to first. When you finally stop standing still and take that first step forward the excitement is endless. When, where, how? The possibilities and the hope and excitement know no bounds.
Where do I go next? I must go everywhere. The next stage is pure exploration. Baby boy bounced from one place to another. Checking out his new freedom, falling frequently, and sometimes scared as he lost his balance. We moved to another state this past summer and left my “dream team” behind. So, where to start? Find a new reproductive endocrinologist, find a new OB, find a new acupuncturist, find a new hematologist, perform lots of interviews, figure out who will do my monitoring, figure out who will prescribe meds, plan the cycle, pick a date, plan flights. Explore, research, explore, research.
One foot in front of the other. Each step is so deliberate. When we put shoes on baby boy’s feet he wanted to look at his feet. He quickly found he needed to lift his head, look forward, and take slow, deliberate steps. Usually walking to his next toy, often his legos. And so I move forward, one step at a time, trying not to look backwards, trying not to look down. I’m looking forward with my eye on the end goal….the building blocks of my family…my Legos. The next two months will bring countless doctor visits, acupuncture appointments, ultrasounds, pills, shots (oh the dreaded needles), tests, hope, and fear.
Baby boy loves other kids. He stops in his tracks every time he sees other kids, smiles and giggles with joy, and runs to play with them. In January, we will return to Prague in hopes of bringing a brother or sister into the world for baby boy…a lifetime playmate, friend, and sibling.
I’ve walked this path before. I’ve felt this fear before. The first year of baby boy’s life was a welcome distraction from “infertility”, miscarriages, fear, and heartbreak. It’s been happy, joyful, and the best blessing in my life. It’s time to start to try again, to put one foot in front of the other, to place my eyes on the end goal, and walk.
Baby boy’s freedom came when he learned to stand up again on his own after falling down. He walked, stumbled, fell, and picked himself up again. Sometime he still needs my help but mostly, he’s got this. I don’t know what this phase of the journey has in store. I am sure I will fall down, I am sure I will pick myself up again. Sometimes, however, I’ll need some help. I’ll need the love and support that you all gave me on my last journey. Your strength is my strength and I am blessed for all of you.
The last journey was filled with a constant question: “will I ever be a mom?” This time will be different. I will walk this path hand in hand with baby boy and know that yes, I am a mom. Our home is filled with the pitter patter of his feet, the giggling in his voice, the love in his hugs. That cannot be taken away. Whatever this next phase brings, I have my baby boy and he completes me.